Supporting Independence Without the Daily Battle
In this episode of Eyes On Us, Emma Jayne Morgan and Sophie Booth explore how to support children’s growing independence, offer help when it’s needed, and manage those everyday moments when everyone needs to get out of the door.
You’re ready to leave the house, but your child is still trying to put their shoes on. One is on the wrong foot, their sock has slipped down, and when you offer to help, the answer is clear: “No! I do it!”
These moments can be frustrating, especially when you’re short on time. But that determination is also a sign that your child is developing a sense of who they are and what they can do.
Why do children want to do everything themselves?
As young children develop, they begin to recognise themselves as individuals. They have their own preferences, ideas and intentions, and they’re discovering that they can make things happen.
They’ve also spent much of their lives watching the adults around them. Naturally, they want to have a go too.
Putting on a shoe or carrying a plate involves more than completing a task. Children are practising coordination, problem solving, concentration and persistence. Each opportunity to try can help them build confidence in their own abilities.
Knowing when to help
Supporting independence takes practice and support. Children need adults to notice how they’re managing and offer the right amount of help at the right time.
If a child is struggling with their coat, you might ask:
“Shall I help you find where your arm goes?”
“Can I hold this for you?”
“Have you tried this?”
Sometimes a suggestion is enough. At other times, they need you alongside them or helping with part of the task. Their needs may change from one day to the next.
Asking before stepping in gives children a chance to accept support while staying involved in what they’re doing.
Find opportunities in everyday routines
There are plenty of small opportunities for children to practise independence throughout the day.
Depending on what they can manage, they might put their arms through a T-shirt, pull up their shorts, collect their own cutlery or take a plastic plate back to the kitchen. A young child might carry their nappy and wipes to the changing area.
Look at the task and ask: which part could they do?
These manageable contributions give children opportunities to experience being capable and to wonder what else they could try.
Choose your moments
There will be mornings when you have time to wait while your child works out their shoes.
There will also be mornings when you’re already late.
It’s okay to acknowledge what your child wants and explain the boundary: “I understand you want to do it yourself, but we don’t have time right now.”
Then look for another opportunity when there is more time to practise. You might allow a little longer to get ready the following day or find a quieter moment for them to try.
Supporting independence includes making realistic decisions about the time you have.
Make the environment accessible
The way we organise a space can help children do more for themselves.
Clothes within reach, wipes on a lower shelf, or plastic bowls in an accessible drawer allow children to take part without needing an adult to retrieve everything.
It also helps to break tasks into smaller steps. “Put your shoes on” can involve several things a child is still learning. Try guiding them through one step at a time: find the shoe, hold it, then put their toes in.
Pictures showing the steps may also help, just as visual prompts can support routines in early years settings.
Offer choices within boundaries
When a child is determined to do something alone, a choice can help them stay involved while accepting some support.
You might ask:
“Would you like to do one shoe and I’ll do the other?”
“Would you like the red top or the blue top?”
“Do you want to walk or do you want me to carry you?”
Having a choice gives children an opportunity to make a decision. It can also ease the power struggle that sometimes develops when an adult needs to help.
Acknowledge feelings and praise the effort
Learning something new can be frustrating. Acknowledging that feeling can help: “I can see that you’re getting frustrated because this is difficult.”
Offer encouragement, ask whether they would like help, and step in when they become distressed. Sometimes the support they need is simply: “I’m here if you need me.”
When you praise them, notice the effort:
“You tried really hard.”
“You kept going.”
“You didn’t give up.”
A shoe may still be tricky to put on. Water may spill while they’re pouring a drink. These are manageable moments, and children can keep learning through them.
When a child says, “I can do it,” they’re telling us they’re ready to try. Finding time and space for that effort helps their confidence grow.