Relationships Before Expectations: Building Trust in Early Years
Welcome back to Eyes On Us, the podcast where Emma Jayne Morgan and Sophie Booth explore honest, practical conversations about early years practice.
In Episode 25, Emma and Sophie discuss why secure, predictable relationships need to come before expectations—particularly during the settling-in period.
Before asking a child to share, follow instructions, join a group or participate in an activity, we need to consider whether they feel safe, connected and understood. Children need time to trust the adults caring for them, learn what happens in their new environment and discover whether their needs will be noticed and met.
Why Relationships Must Come Before Expectations
Early years settings place many expectations on young children from the moment they arrive. They may be expected to put away their belongings, follow unfamiliar routines, share resources, listen to a story or join a group activity.
These expectations may appear straightforward to an adult, but they can feel overwhelming to a child entering an unfamiliar room filled with unfamiliar people.
Prioritising relationships does not mean removing boundaries or allowing children to do whatever they want. Boundaries help children feel safe. However, children are more likely to understand and respond to those boundaries once they trust that the adults around them are consistent, caring and there to protect them.
Seeing the Setting Through the Child’s Eyes
New and returning children may be adjusting to a different room, unfamiliar practitioners, new routines or a long break away from the setting.
They may be wondering:
Who are these people? Am I safe here? Do they understand me? Will my grown-ups come back?
These questions can be especially significant for children who are still developing their communication skills or who have English as an additional language. Even when families offer reassurance at the door, children often need to experience the same safe pattern repeatedly before they can fully trust what will happen.
Looking at the setting from the child’s perspective helps practitioners respond with patience rather than expecting immediate participation.
Building Trust Through Small, Predictable Interactions
Relationships are built through the small interactions that happen every day.
Greeting children by name, joining them in their play, sitting alongside them and noticing what interests them all communicate that they matter. Practitioners can observe which resources children choose, what they enjoy doing and how they respond to different people and situations.
These moments may not always appear on a daily timetable, but they are an essential part of early years practice. When adults respond consistently, children begin to understand what to expect and learn that they can rely on the people caring for them.
Responding to Children’s Emotions
Settling into a new environment can be stressful. Children may cry, become angry, withdraw, appear tired or feel overwhelmed.
Rather than asking a child not to cry, practitioners can acknowledge what the child is communicating. Saying that you can see they are sad, understand that they miss their family and are there to help reassures the child that their feelings have been noticed.
Comforting children and responding to their emotions builds trust. It tells them: this person notices me, understands me and will be here when I need them.
Replace Judgement with Curiosity
It can be tempting to think that a child should have settled after a certain number of weeks. A more helpful question is: what are we still learning about one another?
A child who plays alone may not yet feel secure enough to join other children. A child who wants to be held, stay close or hold a practitioner’s hand may still be building the security they need before they feel able to explore independently.
Instead of asking how to stop the behaviour, practitioners can become curious about the need behind it. Is the child comfortable enough to participate? Do they understand the routine? Do they feel confident that an adult will be there when they need help?
Protecting the Settling-In Period
The first few weeks should give practitioners and children time to get to know one another.
This may mean creating a gentler timetable, allowing more time for free play and prioritising direct interactions with children over taking photographs or trying to begin the full learning routine immediately.
As relationships develop, children can gradually become more comfortable with changes to the timetable and the expectations placed on them. Even these changes are transitions, so they should be introduced with care and consistency.
Creating an Environment That Supports Expectations
When children find it difficult to meet an expectation, the solution is not always to change the child.
Practitioners can consider whether the environment, routines and adult interactions make the expected behaviour possible. If children are expected to become more independent, can they reach and use what they need? If they are expected to share, have they developed the social confidence and emotional skills required to do so?
Expectations should be realistic for the child’s age, developmental stage, individual needs and current level of security within the setting.
Giving Relationships Time to Grow
Strong relationships are not built to a fixed deadline. Some children may feel comfortable quickly, while others need six to eight weeks or longer before their personalities begin to emerge fully.
When a child starts playing, exploring, communicating and showing more of who they are, it can be a sign that they finally feel safe enough to be themselves.
Patience matters. Children need repeated experiences of adults being present, predictable and responsive before they can trust those relationships.
Creating the Foundations for Learning
Children are unlikely to participate, explore, build friendships or engage fully in learning until they feel safe and secure.
The settling-in period is therefore not separate from learning. It creates the foundation that makes future learning possible.
By focusing first on relationships and taking time to understand the children in their care, practitioners create an environment where children feel that they belong—and where expectations can eventually be introduced through trust rather than pressure.
Continue Your Professional Development with QuEST
If this episode has encouraged you to reflect on relationships, expectations and the settling-in experience in your setting, explore QuEST’s professional development opportunities for early years practitioners and leaders.
Our training is designed to help early years professionals strengthen their practice, deepen their understanding of children’s needs and create environments where every child can feel safe, secure and ready to learn.